Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
