We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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