I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
