it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Dear god my vagina.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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