we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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