a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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