I just threw up on my dentist
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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