so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Randomize