She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
