yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My penis needs a shock collar
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize