i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
