you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Randomize
