I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
