Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize