It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
