Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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