Sorry, I don't speak sober.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
