Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
