this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
We got so high we made milksteak
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
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