I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
