If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
