i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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