Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
