Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
