I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
