i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
