mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
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