Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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