Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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