could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize