I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
