I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
