I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
