update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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