Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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