someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize