Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
