I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
