After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
So much rum. So many feels.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize