Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
