life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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