Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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