Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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