Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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