Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
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