reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
