you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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