My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
