Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize