I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
