i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
