i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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