you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
