Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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