we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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