i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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