someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
