listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
