last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
