If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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